Divorce and Remarriage

Blended families are referred to by many names. Step families, half siblings, adopted or foster families, remarriage, and even reconstituted families. No matter what you call them, this kind of situation can take quite a toll on a family.

Over the past few years, the divorce rates have actually been dropping. At first this may sound like a good thing, but really when you look at why they have been dropping, you can see that the reasons aren’t really what I would consider good. The rates of cohabitation have increased significantly, and many people who cohabitate, don’t actually end up getting married. And well, if you don’t get married you can’t get divorced. Another reason for the drop in divorce rates that compared to the olden days when people would get married as young as age 15, people are getting married much later in life, or again, people aren’t getting married at all.

There are some however, that are at higher risk for divorce than others. A lot of time, those who have already been married once and have children are more likely to get divorced again. The biggest reason for this is because it takes a minimum of 2 years for a new couple to get adjusted into their new lives. Often times a remarried couple thinks that they are not right for each other or that things aren’t going to work out, and they decide this quickly before they have fully adjusted to the new person and their way of life verses the spouse before that. It is a lot to adjust to, but many couples don’t realize how long they need before things are “normal” again. People who marry over the age of 35 are also at a higher risk, because by that point in their lives they are already so set in their own ways that it is hard to add someone to the mix and accommodate and adjust to their way of living.

Children of divorce also have a higher risk of getting a divorce when they are adults as well. This is because that is what is familiar to them. If a child’s parents get divorced and they live with their mom, and see their mom doing everything on her own, they may grow up thinking that they can also do it all on their own and they don’t need anybody else. Also a lot of time they haven’t had the opportunity to see how a happy couple functions, and works together. They don’t know any different. Another group of people at a high risk for divorce is those who have a low education, and that is mainly because as you get a higher level of education, you become wiser and are able to make smarter decisions.

Divorce and remarriage can affect a family in a lot of ways. My teacher for my Family Relations class, who is also a family counselor, said that 91% of the people he had in counselling with him came from blended families. Not only is divorce hard on the parents, between having to split things up, figure out a situation for the kids, the cost of it, and just the adjustment of it all, it can really affect children. Children whose parents remarry someone else with children, often have a hard time accepting each other as part of the family. Parents need to be patient with children in this situation and remember that it will take at least 2 years for them to adjust completely.

Our teacher, who has experience being part of a blended family, shared some great rules to keep peace and happiness in a blended family. The first rule was that the birth parent should always handle the discipline. This helps keep the peace between not only the child and step-parent, but the parents as well. Another tip, the new parent should act more like a really fantastic aunt or uncle towards the children. This way they can support both their spouse and the child, while creating a strong relationship with them. Another thing is that you should never undermine the other parent. This is good advice to any couple. You are a team and you won’t get anywhere or be successful if you are going behind each other’s backs and undermining them. And finally, counsel together. Again, important for any couple, but especially blended families. The parents need to counsel together, and they need to counsel with their children. There are so many changes that will take place, and it is important to know where your spouse stands on each situation, and how you can make the best decisions for your family.

Divorce is a hard thing, but unfortunately even though the rates are slowly dropping, it is still a very common thing. If you are in this situation, I advise you to be patient and willing to work through it. Work with your spouse especially. You can’t properly meet the needs of your children if you don’t have a good relationship with your spouse. It is a tough situation, but make the best of it.

Parenting

Being a parent is one of the most important, yet most challenging things we will do in this life. I love this quote by President S. Monson,

"To you who are parents, I say, show love to your children. You know you love them, but make certain they know it as well. They are so precious. Let them know. Call upon Heavenly Father for help as you care for their needs each day as you deal with challenges which inevitably come with parenthood. You need more than your own wisdom in rearing them."

-President Thomas S. Monson

Unfortunately, when we become parents there is no handbook full of rules or even guidelines to tell us how to parent. There are so many different ways to parent your children, and there isn’t necessarily a “right” way. There are several “good” or “okay” ways, however there are also “better” ways.

There are 4 main parenting styles. Permissive, authoritarian, authoritative, and uninvolved/neglect. Permissive parenting is where rules aren’t often enforced, children tend to get away with a lot of things, and don’t ever really receive consequences from their parents. Authoritarian is the complete opposite, where parents are very strict and unwilling to accommodate rules and boundaries. They have very strict consequences and those parents tend to think “it’s my way or the highway” kind of thing. Authoritative is balance of the two. It includes strict rules and consequences, however the parents are willing to adjust and adapt. And uninvolved pretty much explains itself. The parents don’t tend to know what is going on in their child’s life, and often times the child is neglected in an area or two.

Obviously, neglect or uninvolvement is never a good way to parent, but none of the other three are necessarily a terrible parenting style. Authoritative however is the better of the three. Children raised in authoritative households tend to be happier, more capable, and very successful. However the best parenting style can be different for every child. We as parents need to find what works best in our own homes with each of our children.

We read an article for our class, about the “collapse of parenting and why parents need to grow up” and it talked a lot about how in our world today, children tend to have much more control over the parents than parents do over the children. Dr. Leonard Sax explains that kids aren’t born knowing right from wrong, and since we have a responsibility to teach them those things, we can’t let them be in the lead. We need to “put parent’s back in the driver’s seat”.

Parents have a responsibility to rear our children in love, and to teach them good values and how to make good choices. We want them to be successful. If we let them be in the lead, where are they going to learn the things we want them too? However, looking on the other side of things, if we are too strict, and punish them or limit them from everything, then how will they ever learn the consequences of their own choices and actions? We need to find the balance by having strict rules but allowing those rules to be changes, and adjusted according to what the kids need. When we do this we allow them to learn what we would have them learn but learn from their own experiences as well.

Parenting is an important job that should not be taken lightly. We will be held accountable for the way we raised our children and what we taught them, so we need to do all we can to make sure they are raised right and in the best way possible, with love.

The Value of Work

Work is a huge part of our daily lives. We work at everything we do, and we have been since the beginning. Even Adam and Eve were working to the garden to take care of it. The problem now days is that instead of looking at work as a natural part of life, we look at life and work as two different things, and generally, work is “ugly and hard”. This is a common misconception that should really be addressed, especially when it pertains to family life.

            Not only is work between father and mother important (providing and nurturing), but it is very important to teach our children the value of hard and meaningful work. As parents, it often seems easy to use work as a form of punishment. However this should be avoided because it teaches kids to hate working, and this can be very damaging since work is something that continues through life.

It can be hard to teach children responsibility, but here are a few good tips: Have a good attitude about it, and be an example to your kids. Give them a responsibility, such as a pet or a plant that will help them learn from experience. And make it a fun, and enjoyable experience. Growing up my parents knew how important the value of work was and were very good at using these methods to help us learn. For several years me, and those of my siblings who were old enough, raised pigs, sheep, chickens and even rabbits to compete at our county fair. My dad made sure we were out there every day cleaning out the stalls, feeding and watering, and even cleaning the animals. While at the time we often complained and sometimes didn’t want to do it at all, I learned how to work hard and I am grateful for the experience that I had raising those animals, and the work ethic that it gave me.

We also did several other things, like growing a garden. One year my dad decided he wanted to build a big, raised garden bed in or backyard, and so he had a huge pile of dirt delivered and we spent several days hauling all the dirt from the front yard to the backyard, and though it was tough, I still have some great memories that came from that. It was hard but we felt the rewards. Not only did we get some yummy veggies from it, but it was time that we all spent together covered in dirt, laughing, and having a good time, while still learning how to work.

Another thing that my parents did is they always had chores for us to do around the house, and if we didn’t get those done we couldn’t do anything else. We went through several different chore systems, and though some wouldn’t work as well as others, we learned how to clean and take care of things. I am especially grateful for this now because not only do I know how to clean and take care of my own home now, but it is actually something I like to do. It isn’t a chore to me anymore because my parents taught me so well. Some of my best memories come from doing chores as a kid.

We would make games out of it, and blast music while doing them. My favorite one we called 5 minute pickup. We would find a song we could all sing too, and we would start in one room, and while singing the song at the top of our lungs we would clean up as much as we could in the 5 minutes. Then we would move to the next room. With 10 of us we actually got quite a bit cleaned up in those short 5 minutes. In my opinion it was great family bonding time, and because of this and the things I was taught, I truly believe that work is very beneficial and rewarding to families.
-I apologize for the strange fonts, for some reason it won't let me change them J

Communication

Communication is a tough thing in our world today. Between cell phones and texting, emails, social media, and many other ways to communicate, it can be very difficult to really understand what someone is really saying and the meaning behind it. Unfortunately communication is one of the most critical things in life, so misunderstanding can cause big problems. So how do we communicate in a way that others will truly understand what we are saying?

                People are very defensive, that’s just a fact. Often time’s miscommunication arises when someone defends themselves, or something or someone. A defense often looks like an offense- which leads others to defend themselves, so it becomes a defense against defense situation. People are usually off-putting when they are offended and trying to defend themselves. It is important that we are transparent in what we are saying, so that others know what we truly mean, and don’t take something offensive that is not meant to be. We shouldn’t have a hidden agenda when we talk to others. This goes along with sarcasm. Sarcasm is intentionally saying something n two incongruent levels- usually there is a hidden agenda behind it. You say something, but you really mean something else. It can be very degrading, and make others put up there defense. In this case we should think about Christ. We are trying to be like him, but was he ever sarcastic? Would he have said anything that he didn’t truly mean? No never. Instead of trying to code what we say, come straight forward and say what you are truly thinking (unless its mean, because as Thumper and I’m sure all of our mothers say, “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all” J).

                Our teacher this week gave us several different ways to handle miscommunication. One method in the case of someone defending themselves, if you acknowledge the truth in what they are saying, than more often than not they will “disarm’ themselves, or “lower their weapons”. If you acknowledge the truth in their statement, they won’t feel like they need to defend themselves any more. It also helps to match their emotion. If your friend walks into the room upset, and you are so excited to tell them about the exciting thing that just happened to you, they are going to get the sense that you don’t care how they feel. Sympathize with them when they are sad, be excited for them when they accomplish things. If you want to send the right message, then match what they are feeling, because nonverbal communication gives 50% of your message.

 Another tip he gave was for a situation in which someone is doing something you don’t like, or is behaving in an inappropriate way. Instead of giving them a list of the things you don’t like about them, or sugar coating what you would like to get across, be direct and simple. Instead of saying “you’re such a slob” to a husband who leaves his socks laying around, simply and politely ask him to not leave his socks lying around anymore. People respond much better to respectful straightforward comments and concerns, than they do to something that degrades them. In D&C 121 verse 43 it says, “Reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost”. We were taught that reproving means to scold or correct kindly, betimes means seasonally, or in the right time, sharpness means with surgical precision, and all this (correcting others) should only be done when directed by the spirit to do so. Going back to the sharpness, our teacher gave this analogy: If a family member were having brain surgery we would want them to use the sharpest tools so that nothing gets cut or affected that doesn’t need to. This is the same with communication, and the problem is often we use butter knives to make those cuts. As I have mentioned several times, we shouldn’t beat around the bush. Be direct and just say what needs to be said.

Stress in Family Life

Stress is hard, annoying, tiring, and all together it sucks. But in all reality, it is absolutely necessary. Yes this sounds a little crazy because no one likes stress, but let’s think about where we would be without it. So often, stress is our motivator. Through stress comes our greatest accomplishments. Really, it only has a negative effect if you think about it in a negative way. Look at it this way, when you go to a haunted house, you start feeling anxious and jumpy and you get a knot in your stomach. You can either take this in a negative way and spend the whole time being scared to death and screaming at everything and end up with a bad overall experience, or you can look at it in the sense that you are in no actual danger, and have fun with it. Changing our perception, is the best way to change the effect that stress has on you. You can either look at it as something terrible, or you can flip it around and look at the marvelous opportunity that it could be.

Stress in a family brings the family close to one another. It is the glue that holds the family together in a sense. I have never met a young poor newlywed, who said that some of the best memories and moments came from those times. When stress is placed on a family, then it allows each member of the family, to find their own strengths and bind them together with everyone else’s. A personal example of my own happened when I was a junior in high school. A girl my age came to live with us for a year. She was from a different town, and I had seen her around school, and to be honest at first I wasn’t too fond of her. It wasn’t so much that I didn’t like her, she just didn’t see like someone I would get along with. Well much to my surprise, she ended up living with us, and even sharing a room with me. This put some stress on my family, because we didn’t know how well we would get along with her, we were trying to make her as comfortable as we could, and we and to make a lot of changes within our home. Over the course f the year, my family grew together so much more, and this girl became like another sister to us. Something that seemed like not a great situation at first (especially with me, having to give up part of my room, and not expecting to get along with her) turned out to be one of the best years of my life – a great opportunity that wouldn’t have come without the stress.

A crisis is similar, it is something that necessitates change. In a family, when a crisis happens, the family structure can change, such as a divorce, or a father losing his job. Again, there are two options in this situation. You can take it negatively or positively. In Chinese, there are two symbols that make up the word crisis. The first represents danger, and the second represents opportunity. Every little bit of stress, every hard time, every crisis, they all create opportunities for us to better ourselves especially within our families. If we can change our perception and look at it not as danger, but as an opportunity, then we can be happier, more confident, and all together life will be easier for us.

Intimacy in Marriage

Intimacy between husband and wife can be a very sacred thing. However, intimacy doesn’t necessarily mean being sexual. There are so many ways we can be intimate with our spouses without it having to lead anywhere, and this is important because sex isn’t all that a marriage is about. After all, intimate = “into my mate” J

This week we made lists of challenges and opportunities that intimacy presents for a couple. There are some big challenges that can happen, especially when there is miscommunication between couples. When you are married, it is very important to communicate your needs with your spouse, because if you don’t it can lead to expectations that may not be met.  

Often what can happen, is one person expects any romantic gesture to lead to sex, and the other person may not realize it. This then leads to conflict between the couple, and miscommunicated feelings such as feeling like your husband/wife does not love you as much as you would like them to, or you may not get the reassurance you need.

Going back to intimacy without sex, there are many ways that a couple can be intimate, and not only in the bedroom. Simple things just ass cuddling at night before bed, and holding hands, going to do something that you both enjoy together, or many other things. Irwin M. Fletcher gave some great steps that we can follow to teach us how to be intimate without sex:

1.       Get rid of the pressure: make sure you are both on the same page.

2.       Ask each other what you are looking for when it comes to intimacy.

3.       Find another physical way to show one another that you love each other.

4.       Create intimate moments (such as those listed above).

5.       Don’t expect anything in return (as mentioned before, cutting out the expectations).

Being intimate with your spouse without having sex can bring lots of opportunities and benefits to the marriage. It can bring you closer to one another, and help you get to know each other on a deeper level. You can get positive, verbal affirmations and reassurances of love, and altogether it creates unification between you and your spouse.
               

Resources:

Irwin M. Fletcher, How to Have Intimacy Without Sex

http://www.mademan.com/mm/how-have-intimacy-without-sex.html

Cohabitation and Wedding Planning

                It is becoming a very common thing for a couple to cohabitate before actually getting married. One of the reasons behind this however, is the common misperception that this will benefit the future marriage, and that it is better to live with each other before marriage so that you can work out the kinks and quirks. Unfortunately this is not the case. Studies actually show that those who cohabitate before marriage are 3 times more likely to end up getting a divorce. When I first heard this I was a little shocked. I didn’t quite understand how that made sense, because I figured it would help to live together before getting married, so that you know the different things that you are going to have to adjust to. However, after we discussed it in class it actually makes sense.

                Our teacher drew us a visual to explain, he drew two lines, with something that resembled a knot in the middle of the two, and titled it with cohabitation. Then he drew another set of “strings” with a knot in the middle, but had them winding together underneath the knot, and wrote no cohabitation above it (here’s my attempt at showing the picturesJ).

He explained that when people live together without being married, they don’t have the same commitment level as those who are married. They begin living together, but things are still separate when you think about it. They set their own ways and patterns early on, and then when they tie the knot, nothing really changes. Money is the biggest factor in this. When two people aren’t married, they keep their separate bank accounts, and each pay half the bills, and so on. This can cause lots of problems between couples. Money is one of the main leading factors to divorce. People who cohabitate set high expectations for when the knot is finally tied, because often times they expect things to change once they get married, but because they are already set in their ways with one another, then nothing really changes.

                When two people don’t live together before marriage however, they begin their lives together sharing everything, and everything is new. They combine their money, set different rules and designate roles early on, instead of coming into the marriage with their ways already set. Everything to them is an adjustment, and they make new patterns together. As the picture shows, their lives become winded around one another right off the bat, so it makes the long run much easier.

                This week we also discussed the pros and cons to different ways of paying for a wedding. Often times the parents pay, and while this can be very beneficial and good in some ways, it can also cause problems. This is not always the case, but sometimes when parents pay for a wedding they can kind of take control of not only the wedding itself, but of the bride and groom as well. Almost as if they owe them. Especially if it is a very expensive wedding (which we also read a study that the amount of money spent on a wedding can predict the length the marriage will last- cheaper lasts longer). So if your parents pay for your wedding, just be aware of the possibilities.

                Our teacher gave us some good advice for our own weddings. He said, that planning a wedding should go along with planning a marriage. Often times couples thing they need to spend tens of thousands of dollars on a wedding, but the wedding lasts for one day, our marriage should last forever. He said that instead of spending so much money, use your resources. Use your family. Put one person in charge of one thing, and another in charge of another. My husband and I did this, my aunt took our pictures, a good friend made our cake, we borrowed decorations from my sister in law’s wedding, we had our reception in a church- where it was free, and a number of other things. We had a beautiful reception that cost only a fraction of what people thought it did, beautiful pictures, and a beautiful cake. We may have not had professionals for everything, but I don’t regret it one bit. I think it turned out just as good, maybe even better than it had of with professionals, and it means so much more because there were so many personal connections involved. I would advise this to anyone planning a wedding, use your resources, and save your money for the marriage itself.

Before Marriage “Tying the knot” After Marriage