It is
becoming a very common thing for a couple to cohabitate before actually getting
married. One of the reasons behind this however, is the common misperception
that this will benefit the future marriage, and that it is better to live with
each other before marriage so that you can work out the kinks and quirks.
Unfortunately this is not the case. Studies actually show that those who
cohabitate before marriage are 3 times more likely to end up getting a divorce.
When I first heard this I was a little shocked. I didn’t quite understand how
that made sense, because I figured it would help to live together before
getting married, so that you know the different things that you are going to
have to adjust to. However, after we discussed it in class it actually makes
sense.
Our
teacher drew us a visual to explain, he drew two lines, with something that resembled
a knot in the middle of the two, and titled it with cohabitation. Then he drew
another set of “strings” with a knot in the middle, but had them winding
together underneath the knot, and wrote no cohabitation above it (here’s my attempt
at showing the picturesJ).
He explained that when people live together without being
married, they don’t have the same commitment level as those who are married. They
begin living together, but things are still separate when you think about it.
They set their own ways and patterns early on, and then when they tie the knot,
nothing really changes. Money is the biggest factor in this. When two people
aren’t married, they keep their separate bank accounts, and each pay half the
bills, and so on. This can cause lots of problems between couples. Money is one
of the main leading factors to divorce. People who cohabitate set high
expectations for when the knot is finally tied, because often times they expect
things to change once they get married, but because they are already set in
their ways with one another, then nothing really changes.
When
two people don’t live together before marriage however, they begin their lives
together sharing everything, and everything is new. They combine their money, set
different rules and designate roles early on, instead of coming into the
marriage with their ways already set. Everything to them is an adjustment, and
they make new patterns together. As the picture shows, their lives become winded
around one another right off the bat, so it makes the long run much easier.
This
week we also discussed the pros and cons to different ways of paying for a
wedding. Often times the parents pay, and while this can be very beneficial and
good in some ways, it can also cause problems. This is not always the case, but
sometimes when parents pay for a wedding they can kind of take control of not
only the wedding itself, but of the bride and groom as well. Almost as if they
owe them. Especially if it is a very expensive wedding (which we also read a
study that the amount of money spent on a wedding can predict the length the
marriage will last- cheaper lasts longer). So if your parents pay for your
wedding, just be aware of the possibilities.
Our
teacher gave us some good advice for our own weddings. He said, that planning a
wedding should go along with planning a marriage. Often times couples thing
they need to spend tens of thousands of dollars on a wedding, but the wedding
lasts for one day, our marriage should last forever. He said that instead of
spending so much money, use your resources. Use your family. Put one person in
charge of one thing, and another in charge of another. My husband and I did
this, my aunt took our pictures, a good friend made our cake, we borrowed
decorations from my sister in law’s wedding, we had our reception in a church-
where it was free, and a number of other things. We had a beautiful reception
that cost only a fraction of what people thought it did, beautiful pictures,
and a beautiful cake. We may have not had professionals for everything, but I
don’t regret it one bit. I think it turned out just as good, maybe even better
than it had of with professionals, and it means so much more because there were
so many personal connections involved. I would advise this to anyone planning a
wedding, use your resources, and save your money for the marriage itself.
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