Divorce and Remarriage

Blended families are referred to by many names. Step families, half siblings, adopted or foster families, remarriage, and even reconstituted families. No matter what you call them, this kind of situation can take quite a toll on a family.

Over the past few years, the divorce rates have actually been dropping. At first this may sound like a good thing, but really when you look at why they have been dropping, you can see that the reasons aren’t really what I would consider good. The rates of cohabitation have increased significantly, and many people who cohabitate, don’t actually end up getting married. And well, if you don’t get married you can’t get divorced. Another reason for the drop in divorce rates that compared to the olden days when people would get married as young as age 15, people are getting married much later in life, or again, people aren’t getting married at all.

There are some however, that are at higher risk for divorce than others. A lot of time, those who have already been married once and have children are more likely to get divorced again. The biggest reason for this is because it takes a minimum of 2 years for a new couple to get adjusted into their new lives. Often times a remarried couple thinks that they are not right for each other or that things aren’t going to work out, and they decide this quickly before they have fully adjusted to the new person and their way of life verses the spouse before that. It is a lot to adjust to, but many couples don’t realize how long they need before things are “normal” again. People who marry over the age of 35 are also at a higher risk, because by that point in their lives they are already so set in their own ways that it is hard to add someone to the mix and accommodate and adjust to their way of living.

Children of divorce also have a higher risk of getting a divorce when they are adults as well. This is because that is what is familiar to them. If a child’s parents get divorced and they live with their mom, and see their mom doing everything on her own, they may grow up thinking that they can also do it all on their own and they don’t need anybody else. Also a lot of time they haven’t had the opportunity to see how a happy couple functions, and works together. They don’t know any different. Another group of people at a high risk for divorce is those who have a low education, and that is mainly because as you get a higher level of education, you become wiser and are able to make smarter decisions.

Divorce and remarriage can affect a family in a lot of ways. My teacher for my Family Relations class, who is also a family counselor, said that 91% of the people he had in counselling with him came from blended families. Not only is divorce hard on the parents, between having to split things up, figure out a situation for the kids, the cost of it, and just the adjustment of it all, it can really affect children. Children whose parents remarry someone else with children, often have a hard time accepting each other as part of the family. Parents need to be patient with children in this situation and remember that it will take at least 2 years for them to adjust completely.

Our teacher, who has experience being part of a blended family, shared some great rules to keep peace and happiness in a blended family. The first rule was that the birth parent should always handle the discipline. This helps keep the peace between not only the child and step-parent, but the parents as well. Another tip, the new parent should act more like a really fantastic aunt or uncle towards the children. This way they can support both their spouse and the child, while creating a strong relationship with them. Another thing is that you should never undermine the other parent. This is good advice to any couple. You are a team and you won’t get anywhere or be successful if you are going behind each other’s backs and undermining them. And finally, counsel together. Again, important for any couple, but especially blended families. The parents need to counsel together, and they need to counsel with their children. There are so many changes that will take place, and it is important to know where your spouse stands on each situation, and how you can make the best decisions for your family.

Divorce is a hard thing, but unfortunately even though the rates are slowly dropping, it is still a very common thing. If you are in this situation, I advise you to be patient and willing to work through it. Work with your spouse especially. You can’t properly meet the needs of your children if you don’t have a good relationship with your spouse. It is a tough situation, but make the best of it.