Dating Vs. "Hanging Out"

Today’s world of dating is completely different than it used to be. Today, instead of going on actual dates, the norm is to “hang out”. Dating and hanging out are two completely different things, but the youth and young adults of today’s world have gotten them completely mixed up, to the point where to them they mean the same thing.

                A date has 3 main elements. They are: planned, paid for, and paired off. Hanging out, doesn’t consist of any of these. When looking for the right person to marry, it is so important that we go on real dates for many reasons. When a date is planned, paid for, and paired off, especially for women, we can get a great idea of how a guy will be as a husband one day. In The Family: A Proclamation to the World, men are given 3 main tasks as a husband: to preside, provide, and protect. When you really think about it, all 3 of these tie in very well to the elements of a date.

Preside = Planning                           Provide = Paid for                            Protect = Paired off

When the man plans the date he is presiding over it, when he pays he his providing, and when it is paired off, he is responsible for the girl for the whole evening, so he has to protect her. However a woman has a part in this too. A wife’s main role is to nurture, and we can do this on a date as well. I think that by just enjoying yourself on the date and making sure your date enjoys himself as well, and that he knows you are having a good time, you are doing your part as a nurturer. You can also nurture by truly listening to what he has to say and supporting him. However, I personally think that it is okay to have the girl, plan, prepare and pay for the date every once in a while too. I understand how stressful it can be for guys to do all the work, and I think switching roes every now and then can take the pressure off, and let them know that we do truly want to go on the date with them, which is something a lot of guys fear most.

                Pairing off on a date is extremely important when you are searching for a spouse, because when you are just in a group “hanging out” then you don’t get to know people as closely as you do when you are alone with them. Big groups can also cause problems because often times you aren’t necessarily paired up with someone, and that can just make things confusing in the dating world. Small group dates can be good too however, as long as you have a specific date, that you are putting an effort into getting to know.

                Growing up I went to a high school where real dating didn’t exist. My friends and I were so excited to turn 16 just to find out that people didn’t really go on planned dates anymore. At one point there was a kid I “dated” and not once did he take me out on an actual planned, paid for, date. Needless to say that didn’t last long. However, when I met my husband we went on dates all the time. Though I am sure we still “hung out” more than we should have, we did go on plenty of dates that gave us the chance to really get to know each other, and see the qualities in each other that we were looking for. I think this is one of the reasons I married him, was because of our real dates we got to spend a lot of quality time with each other that wasn’t just sitting around watching movies.

             We also were able to find cheap dates that cost us almost nothing. I know this is something that a lot of people use as an excuse to not go on dates. They don’t have to be these extreme, elegant, events. Some of our favorite things to do while we were dating was to go on walks, or play Frisbee gold, or go play at the tennis courts, or anything that really cost us nothing. It is possible to have fun dates that are cheap.

                I encourage all those who are looking for “the one” to get out there and go on actual dates. Stop with the “hanging out” because its getting you nowhere. If you really want to get to know someone, and even get a glimpse into how they will act as a spouse, then GO ON A REAL DATE! 

The World's View on Gender

I find it interesting how different the world's views on gender has changed over the years. Now days it is hard for a lot of people to determine what makes them a male or female, other than their body parts. There are a lot of stereotypes than generally define feminism verses masculism.

 Women are generally:

• ·         Expressive
• ·         Passive
• ·         Cooperative
• ·         Social Oriented
• ·         Relationship Oriented

While men are typically:

• ·         Aggressive
• ·         Competitive
• ·         Stronger
• ·         Spatial Oriented

These Sex-Typical Tendencies make it very difficult for those who don’t quite fit each expectation, to really know who they are. The world has manipulated people into believing that if they don’t fit each stereotype of a girl, then the must really be a boy, and that is not the case at all. It is okay if a little boy doesn’t always like to play with cars and toy swords. It doesn’t automatically make him a little girl for disliking these things does it? No! Even if they don’t fit the stereotypes, you can correctly raise them to still qualify for a male.

Along with the gender confusion comes transgender and homosexuality. We learned this week that a lot of homosexual feelings are a result of being sexually abused as a child. An experience like this can create a lot of confusion, and when the world gives you an explanation to your confusion, you’re going to believe them. This is not always the case, but the majority of homosexual feeling are a result of different childhood variables.

Personally, I think that transgender happens because of the influence of those around us. If people weren’t so cruel to those that just don’t quite fit in, I don’t think there would be so many cases of transgender. Again, if the world tells you that you are a certain way, you’re going to believe them. If they tell a boy that he is too girly that he can’t really be a boy, what is that going to do to him?

The pressure and influence from our peers plays a huge role on who we are and who we become, but we shouldn’t let it be that way. Don’t be who or what the world wants you to be. Be yourself. The Lord made you just the way he wanted you, why would you want to change that? He loves you for who you are, don’t upset him by falling into the pressures of the world.

Family Culture

This week we looked into the culture of the family, and how it is affected by where we live, what we believe what we look like, and even the language we speak.  We discussed the difference between traditions and rituals, and how to perpetuate those into our coming generations.

One of the things we went over was the effects on a family when they decide to move from Mexico to the U.S. Many families decide to immigrate for the benefit of their children, and to give them better opportunities. This is a very noble reason, but it can cause some damage to the family structure and culture. We looked into a situation, where there were two brothers, with their own families. Both families had a similar situation, the father worked while the mother stayed home to raise and nourish the children. One family decided they wanted to move to the United States, so the father left first, to go and find a job to pay for the rest of the family so they could also come. What they were expecting to happen, is that they would follow the father up after only 6 months, but it ended up being 5 years before they were able to leave and rejoin their father. But this wasn’t the only issue. Because they were moving their illegally, they could only take with them what they could run with. This also meant that once they got to the U.S, they couldn’t have a very nice place to live, or very good jobs and they had to stay kind of on the down low. Also, because they had separated from their dad for 5 years, the oldest son had kind of taken over the father’s role, so when they reconnected the family had a hard time readjusting to the father being there to lead them. They went from a very well connected family with a great relationship, to hardly knowing each other. And similar things can happen in other situations. Their whole family culture changed from moving from one location to another.

Most people think of a tradition as something that you do regularly, for example I always thought my family’s “Pizza and Movie Night” every Friday was a tradition, but actually this is called a ritual. A tradition is defined as: inherited patterns of belief or behavior. Customs that are passed down from generation to generation, not just little activities that we repeat over and over. For example, my parents passed down their religious beliefs, and I plan to pass those on to my children and I hope that that is a tradition that carries on for generations and generations to come. There are several aspects of my family culture that I would like to pass on, and some things I would like to change. Something about my family is we are late to EVERYTHING. It doesn’t matter how early we get ready or even how early we leave, something will happen that makes us late. And of course, one of my biggest pet peeves is being late. So that is part of my culture that I would like to change for the future generations. On the other hand, something I’d like to keep is the family time that we had. We were very fortunate to have a stay at home mom, and a dad that worked in an in-home office, so both parents were always there. This means, that we got a lot of family time. My siblings are some of my closest friends and I wouldn’t trade that relationship for the world, and I believe that is a result of all the family trips and rituals that we had. That is something from my culture that I hope continues on in my family and for generations to come.

Family Theories

Each family functions in their own personal way. We each have a system that works for us, with rules to follow and a specific role for each of us to play. These are called Family Theories. There are 4 main theories that most families follow, these include the systems theory, exchange theory, symbolic interaction theory, and the conflict theory. No system is right or wrong, but some can lead to a happier home and family life. Dr. Murray Bowen, the author of the Systems theory said, “Maintaining the same pattern of behaviors within a system may lead to balance in the family system, but also to dysfunction” (Bowen). The systems theory is when each person has a role to uphold, and each of these roles put together can create subsystems, and when you put the subsystems together it creates a system that can be analyzed as a whole. For example, there may be one in the family who is the peace maker, or maybe one who is the listener or the caretaker. When you put all of these roles together then you create a system that does not function properly without all of the parts. It’s like a shirt, if the shirt is missing the neck hole than it can’t be worn. That is how the family system theory works.

The exchange theory “assumes that people make decisions based on the costs and benefits they perceive from those decisions” (Powell). ” Social exchange theory assumes that people try to be close to and emulate those people who possess positive characteristics or seem to be rewarded for what they do” (Powell). This theory is based on the idea that people are looking for a reward higher than the cost. For example, our teacher posed the question: What made marrying your husband/wife worth it? We found that the good things outweighed the bad, the reward was higher than the cost.

The symbolic interaction theory pretty much speaks for itself. It is based on the idea that every action is symbolic of something. For example, women have a “look” that they give to their husbands. Though she didn't actually say anything the husband always knows what she means, because her look is symbolic. Ladies, you know what I’m talking about! J A personal example that I have of this theory, is when I was growing up, our kitchen and main living area were upstairs and the kids always played downstairs. Often times we could not hear my mom calling us from upstairs, so instead of yelling at us to come upstairs she started stomping on the floor 3 times really loud, so that we could always hear her. Though no words were used, each of us knew what those 3 stomps meant.

The last theory I’m going to discuss is the conflict theory. This theory is presented when a family is constantly in conflict with each other, and constantly trying to gain power over one another. We watched a video for class, Season 2 episode 9 of “Everybody Loves Raymond”. The episode was titled “The Gift” and it took place on Raymond’s dad’s birthday. Supposedly his dad had always hated gifts, so they had made a plan not to get him gifts every year, but this specific year was his dad’s 65^th birthday, so both his brother and his mother had gotten him gifts, but Raymond had not.  It just so happened that his dad absolutely loved the gift from his brother, so immediately it became a competition. Raymond devised a plan to get an even better gift than his brother had, and this led to a competition throughout the episode. I thought this was a great example of the conflict theory.

Like I said earlier, there is no right or wrong theory to follow, however some may be better than others. In my personal opinion, as long as we are looking to the Lord and keeping our Family on the straight and narrow, then our family will be blessed immensely.

Bowen, M., Dr. (n.d.). Family Systems Theory. Retrieved September 30, 2017, from https://www.genopro.com/genogram/family-systems-theory/

Powell, L. H., & Cassidy, D. (n.d.). Identifying Family and Relationship Theories [DOCX]. Waveland Press. https://www.extension.purdue.edu/purplewagon/FLEMat-QAT/PDF/Family_Theories.pdf

The Importance of Family

Have you ever really considered whether the number of children you have is important? Or whether marriage, and a traditional family is worth it? Well the answer to both those questions is yes! Of course they are important on the gospel side of things – The family is central to God’s plan – but families are also important socially and economically as well, which is something I think a lot of people fail to realize. Back in about 1946, when the Baby Boom started and earth’s population started rising like crazy, people started to believe that this was a bad thing and that we were going to overpopulate the world, and that there would be mass starvation and the oil would run out and many other problems would arise. What they didn’t, and still don’t see is that while the population is increasing, fertility rates are decreasing. The average replacement rate, or how many children each woman needs to have to replace the generation before, is 2.13 children per woman. Unfortunately, the only developed country that is hitting the replacement birthrate, or at least close to it, is the U.S.A. Why is this important? Well if the fertility rate keeps dropping, then eventually the world’s population will hit its peak, and then it will slowly start decreasing. Once all those that were born during the baby boom are gone, what will happen to the economy? We won’t have people to fill all the houses and jobs they leave behind, which leads to real estate failing and other jobs going out of business (Stout, 2011). And that is just one example.

From a gospel view point, I love what President Spencer W. Kimball said in June of 1975, “You did not come on earth just to "eat, drink and be merry." You came knowing full well your responsibilities. You came to get for yourself a mortal body that could become perfected, immortalized, and you understood that you were to act in partnership with God in providing bodies for other spirits equally anxious to come to the earth for righteous purposes. And so you will not postpone parenthood. There will be rationalists who will name to you numerous reasons for postponement. Of course, it will be harder to get your college degrees or your financial start with a family, but strength like yours will be undaunted in the face of difficult obstacles”(Kimball, 1975). We have been taught that marriage between man and woman is essential, and that children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and we have also been commanded to multiply and replenish the earth (The First Presidency). I personally don’t think that God would command us to do so if it were going to cause problems like overpopulation and mass starvation.

There are so many trends these days that are not in accordance with God’s law. People are starting to put of marriage and just cohabitate instead, which leads to premarital sex, and children born outside of a marriage. This is a serious issue, because if children are born into a family without married parents, it is more likely that the parents will split up, leaving the child with a single parent. It is also not a good thing to put off marriage because the older you are when you get married and start a family, the less kids you will be able to have.

I come from a family of 8, my mom was one of 8, and her mom was one of 9. I plan to carry on the tradition and have at least 8 kids. Part of that is because we have been commanded to bring children into this world, but the other part of that is that I absolutely loved the big family. I have such a special and unique bond with each of my siblings that I wouldn’t trade for the world, and I want to be able to give my children that.

I hope this helped you gain some insight on the importance of families, be sure to check out the talks and video listed below! Thanks for reading! J

Resources:

Kimball, S. W. (n.d.). The Example of Abraham. Retrieved September 23, 2017, from https://www.lds.org/ensign/1975/06/the-example-of-abraham?lang=eng

Stout, R., McLarren, B., & Smoot, S. E. (2011). The New Economic Reality - Demographic Winter. Retrieved 2017, from http://www.theneweconomicreality.com/film.html

The First Presidency and Council of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. (n.d.). The Family. Retrieved September 23, 2017, from https://www.lds.org/topics/family-proclamation?lang=eng&old=true

A Little About Me

My name is Jessica Welling, and I am a sophomore at Brigham Young University- Idaho, majoring in Child Development. I have been married for just under 9 months now, and my husband is also attending BYUI. We both grew up in the small town of Evanston Wyoming, but I was born in New Jersey, and lived there and In Pennsylvania for a time before moving to Wyoming.

 I love anything outdoors, especially camping and four wheeling. I love volleyball and track and field, and anything active really. I love to do arts and crafts, and an interesting fact about me is that I own my own face painting business and paint faces at birthday parties, fairs and many other events.

 I absolutely love to travel and have been to 9 countries and about 40 states, but if I could travel anywhere in the world, I would go zip lining across Costa Rica. I come from a family of 8 kids, where I am the second oldest. One day I also would like to have my own big family because I absolutely loved growing up with so many siblings. 

Currently I am taking a class on Family Relations, so this is where I will be sharing what I learn, as well as my thoughts, insights and experiences. Please Enjoy! (: